


Violet Hill

by PeregrineWilliams



Category: Versailles no Bara | Rose of Versailles
Genre: Coming Out, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-11-07 11:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17959934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PeregrineWilliams/pseuds/PeregrineWilliams
Summary: super self indulgent rewrite of the bad kiss scene in the anime where they talk about their feelings instead and Oscar is a trans man because I say so





	1. Chapter 1

André’s kiss stung on Oscar's lips with its force and haste. He tried to pull away but stumbled back to fall against his bed. André came with him, landing on top of him with his arms on either side of Oscar's head, his remaining eye locked on Oscar’s with a pained intensity. Oscar couldn’t help the spike of fear and betrayal in his chest. This, symbolic and physical position highlighting the true differences between them, as André’s broad shoulders so effectively pinned Oscar’s slender ones to the bed, this was…

He felt his throat close up with a feeling he couldn’t quite describe. Humiliation? Frustration? This was the last thing Oscar needed right now, to be forcibly reminded of the disparity between their bodies on the eve of his transfer to the French Guard, which he had resolved to do to leave the last of his womanhood behind. A reminder that, whether he was the most skilled swordsman in France or not, none of it mattered without a weapon between them. Whether he was the highest ranking officer in the Court or not, none of it mattered in private behind closed doors.

Oscar averted his eyes from André's gaze, but kept his chin high and proud. “What is it? You want to put me in my place, as a woman?” he demanded. “You, of all people? I believed we had always been as brothers. You were the only one who never expected me to be less than I was. Was I wrong?”

André shook his head, his expression pained as he gripped at the sheets on either side of Oscar's head. “You're wrong, but not for the reason you think. You haven't been a brother to me since we were children, but that's because… because I've been in love with you, since then, since before you joined the Royal Guard.”

Oscar felt a cold seep into his chest and his eyes flicked back to André's, who didn't meet them. If André had loved him this whole time, and Oscar had never noticed… André’s pain was probably equivalent to Oscar's own regarding Fersen, but he had been holding onto it for much longer. Oscar's anger dissipated almost instantaneously and was replaced with a dull, resigned ache.

They were both messes, weren't they? Falling for people who could never return their feelings the way they wanted them to, and making stupid mistakes borne of the simple yet overwhelming desire to love and be loved in return.

Oscar sighed. “Get off me,” he ordered, and André obediently crawled backwards on the bed to sit, staring at the sheets, curled in on himself and ashamed.

“I'm sorry,” he said quietly, all the fire gone from him after his strained confession. “I swear to you, I'll never do something like that again.”

Oscar sat up against the headboard and sighed again. “I'm not angry with you,” he said slowly, “but please listen to me.”

André nodded in the silence as Oscar tried to choose his words.

“I realise that by joining the French guard and living more independently as a man, you are concerned that I am trying to run from who I am.” At André's slight nod, he continued, “It is… actually more of the opposite. I am going to tell you my thoughts now, though they are very personal, out of respect for your feelings, and because I… I do love you dearly, and I want our close relationship to continue.”

André nodded again, understanding the more implicit meanings of his words, and moved to sit next to Oscar against the headboard.

“I am a man, André, and I have always been a man, despite my body, and I want you to respect that. I was unsure, for a while, but after my night with Fersen, it became more clear to me, and not because of my broken relationship with him, but with myself.

“When I went to that ball, that was my best attempt at being a Lady, to be what Fersen likes, to win his affection. The night ended with my realisation that our relationship could never be, not because I failed in that respect, but because I failed myself. I was being something that I wasn't, because of my strong feelings. Perhaps I am running now, in a sense, but not from who I am, instead, from these feelings that cause me to act in ways untrue to myself.

“Whether I fall in love again or not, I will never again wear a dress, I will not be a Lady of the court, and I will not be a wife, because I am a man, and that is not something I can be. I have decided I would rather be a whole person and missing something, than a shell of a person who has gained another’s affection,” Oscar finished in a firm tone, but with an apologetic look towards the man next to him.

André hugged his knees to his chest and rest his face against them, taking in Oscar's words quietly for a few minutes before speaking.

“Would you allow me to make another confession?” At Oscar's nod, he began. “When I saw you for the first time that night, in your dress, I… I thought you were beautiful, truly. But at the same time… I… I don't know, I definitely was thinking… you were beautiful, but you weren't Oscar anymore, you were someone else. It makes sense to me, what you said about yourself, I think, but… now I'm thinking about… what it means in relation to me, I suppose,” he said, uncertainly, with the occasional stutter, like he was having difficulty putting his thoughts together.

“In what kind of relation to you?” Oscar asked, wary, but trying to encourage him to continue, wanting to understand.

“Well,” he started again, hugging his knees a little tighter to himself. “You were… You were the only girl I've ever really liked, and I've liked you for so long that… I thought it wasn't strange at all, but then I thought… maybe you were the only girl I ever liked because you weren't one…?”

He finished the last statement with the inflection of a question, and a small, shy look up at Oscar from behind his knees. There was an element of fear in his eye that was foreign to Oscar until he realised what André meant.

“Are you saying you… have a preference for men?” Oscar asked, as delicately as he could.

“I… I don't know,” André said quietly. “I don't know if I do, or if it's just… you in particular, but I do know that… my feelings won't change even if you never do anything… ‘like a woman’ again. My feelings aren't any stronger for having seen you dressed as a woman, nor do I have a desire to see you do so again, especially now that I know you didn't feel right about it either.”

Oscar turned more towards André and reached out a hand to him, resting it on his upper arm. “It's okay, you know,” he told him in a low voice, the kind for secret keeping. “We can both be strange. I won't reveal you. Thank you for trusting me, and… I'm sorry.”

“I don't need you to pity me,” he said with a sigh, but leaned into Oscar's touch nonetheless.

Oscar shook his head. “Not for that. I'm sorry that I didn't notice you. I didn't pick up on your feelings for me, and because of that, my best friend was in pain. I didn't help you when I should have, even though you've always been there for me.”

André gave him a small smile. “When I offended the royal family, you were willing to give up your life for me. That's more than I could have ever asked for.” He took a deep breath and tried to compose himself again, uncurling to sit more comfortably on the bed. “Oscar… I know I've already said so, but... I'm sorry for my outburst. I just want you to know, I wasn't upset because you were making these changes, it was because I still wanted to be with you through them. It's fine that you don't want me to accompany you as your attendant anymore, but… I still wanted to be by your side as your friend, and I was afraid that you weren't going to allow me that any longer.”

Oscar squeezed his arm a little. “I didn't want it to be an obligation for you, an order that you had to follow. If it's truly what you want, you are always welcome here, André.”

André closed his eye and pressed his face against Oscar's shoulder for a moment, then pulled himself away. “Thank you,” he whispered as he crawled off the bed, bowing to Oscar in an acknowledgement of their status before he left.

Oscar had noticed André had been doing that more often as they grew older, leaving each encounter where they had been conversing on equal footing with a gesture to reestablish the distance between them. Oscar wondered now if it had been a way for André to keep his emotions in check. Either way, Oscar knew he had a lot of self-reflection to do in the coming days, thinking back on their relationship and all of the things he had missed about his closest friend.  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok I wrote another scene and there might be a third one if I can manage it

_My André._

Oscar rest his head back against the stone wall of the alley, trying to focus through the pain in his head. Fersen had just left, to save André, at his request. When did he start caring about André’s safety more than Fersen's? He still had lingering feelings for Fersen of course, they didn't just disappear when he decided he wanted them to, and yet…

Did he love André? The way André loved him? He wasn't sure anymore, but based on the way Fersen had looked at him after his knee-jerk word choice, he seemed to have revealed feelings that he didn't know he had.

Fersen had always been a kind of Prince Charming, here to sweep princesses off their feet with his shallow perfection. A good, honourable, attractive man who nonetheless acted upon his perhaps selfish desires and made a woman feel wanted. Something any young woman would want. Oscar was not a woman, nor was he young anymore, and as he sat in the alleyway while the angry mobs of Parisians passed by, he put away the last of his childish thoughts and looked towards the future. The only man he could see at his side for the rest of his life was the man who had been there from the beginning. He didn't know why he hadn't realised it before, since that had always been the case. Even as he was dreaming of Fersen’s embrace, André was never absent from his life.

Perhaps it had been so difficult for him to realise André’s feelings because they were the same as his own, but Oscar had treated them as something of a constant, had taken them for granted. Of course their relationship was different from André’s point of view. André would do whatever Oscar ordered, so he didn't have to think about him leaving, but at any point if Oscar decided he was no longer needed, André would be gone from Oscar's life in an instant. His panic-induced outburst after Oscar's demand that he no longer accompany him as his attendant made much more sense to Oscar now.

And with André… if André loved him as a man, maybe Oscar didn’t have to become that perfect young woman and Lady of the Court in order to obtain love, as he had always believed. Perhaps he could love, and be loved in return, while also being who he was.

The idea entered his mind all at once, and he found himself clutching at his chest with the weight of it, unaware until now of how much he had been subconsciously seeking out this unlikely possibility for happiness. He felt like some part of him had definitely loved André all along, but he had never dared to entertain the thought of a relationship as a man until this moment.

Whether the relationship was recognized officially didn’t matter anymore, with their country starting to crumble around them. The rest didn’t matter anymore, happiness was in his reach, in the midst of the coming of the New Age. It was simple, really, André had already given himself to Oscar a long time ago. All Oscar had to to was give himself in return.

He pushed himself up off the wall, clutching his bruised arm, and limped back up the alley towards the street. He caught a glimpse of Fersen galloping by with an angry mob at his tail, but he looked in control, like he was leading them… perhaps away from André. Oscar started off in the direction Fersen had come from, to retrieve his André.

_My André._

Maybe, he could be André’s Oscar too, if it wasn't too late.


End file.
